The Princess of the Pumpkin Chassis Land

There was a very mean old witch who called herself Angel. Everyone else called her Horrible Helga behind her back. She lived in Overland Park and was very snobby. She owned a little company and took advantage of all the hard workers there. She had an employee named Janni that ran everything for her. Janni was very nice to her even though Angel treated her like a dog with a bad case of doggie breath.

The first thing Angel said every morning was "ugh."

Janni said "Good morning Angel, how are you today?"

Angel answered "Ugh." Then Angel would go into her big office, which was really a conference room and talk on her phone. She would laugh really loud and in a deep throaty voice she would tell raunchy jokes and cuss all day to the customers with low class. Janni would take all the legitimate calls for orders and be sure all who did business with them were happy. The orders were for the employees to drive pumpkin carriages all over the world for the Fairy God Mothers to use for the Princesses of the world. The drivers of the carriages were paid very poorly. If that wasn't bad enough, they had to pay for everything that ever went wrong even if it wasn't their fault. Even worse, Angel fined them for their misfortunes. She would say, "Drivers are a dime a dozen. If they get mad just run an ad." This really upset Janni. She realized that the drivers truly were human beings. This was something that she could never convey to Angel, because Angel had no heart.

Sometimes the drivers would say "Does she have ice water pumping through her veins?"

Janni would answer "No, it only seems that way. I am sure she could not have anything pumping through her veins without a heart. Now here is a penny. Can you work all next month? Angel said she would spiff it three times this amount."

The drivers would usually say something like, "Bite me, no way!!!" Then Janni would run an ad because the drivers were so mad. Then, all over again, she would have to lie to the drivers she hired or face being fired by the Horrible Helga (that called herself Angel).

The children that lived on her street had to be convinced at Sunday School that Angel's were good and not heartless, greedy, mean, snobby, old witches. There were some that never believed the good Reverend and subsequently lived a very paranoid existence, especially around the Holidays when Angel's would haunt them like ghosts in the graveyard on Halloween night.

One day Janni came to work and saw, to her horror, Angel sitting in Janni's office burning all the pictures of Janni's family. "I thought these pictures were so ugly that I decided to burn them". Angel threw her head back and laughed in that vulgar deep laugh, much like a sailor on a three day drinking binge. At that moment Janni went postal on her ass. She ripped the hunting rifle and two pistols from the large conspicuous bag she was carrying and popped many a cap in the mean old witches' ass. Then realizing what she had done she dropped to her knees and begged for forgiveness. Then she was overwhelmed by the brilliant light. She looked up and saw the most beautiful Angel she had ever imagined.

"Quiet child, you have done nothing wrong. This was a horrible waste of flesh."

Janni began to feel calm, then she began to smile and then she burst out into a full belly laugh. Just then she looked up and realized it was Ernie the Bum that lived in the trash bin in the ally. He was wearing an aluminum pie pan on his head. She couldn't help but feel foolish, but still she laughed thinking to herself 'This is the Angel for this Angel. I am sure she would feel right at home with Ernie the Bum, if she hadn't had her ass blasted full of the caps Janni had so carefully packed that morning just in case Angel needed an attitude adjustment. Did that make it premeditated murder? NO WAY! She often had fire guns into the air to get Angel to stoop hanging from the chandelier and singing "I'm a Bitch, I'm a Bitch, oh that's a fact. Get out of my way or I'll hit you with a bat." This happened on a weekly basis. Then there were the times she went to important business functions and acted like a Hooker. At those times when fire arms were not appropriate, Janni would have to discretely zap her with a miniature stun gun. This was usually effective. Once in awhile Angel was so bad that Janni had to restrain her in a straight jacket so that she would not get out at night and attack unsuspecting men. Occasionally Angel would get away from Janni and do disgraceful things to the poor men she came across on her frenzied quest for man meat. It would take Janni months of damage control to earn back customers that heard the company was run by a mean old heartless witch with no control of her libido whatsoever. This was what had led Janni to the point of postal vindication. She had not planned to kill Angel, only to control her as best she could with the sound of gunfire. This was the only way it seemed that she could control her and ironically it was Janni, who in the end, lost total control.

Now what was she to do? Should she run? Should she tell the police the truth? Who would believe her? Before she could decide the decision was made for her. The police came into the building. There was only one thing to do now, tell the truth.

She told her story to the police and they just nodded and took down the story in their notebooks. As she finished she said "Well are you going to take me to jail now?"

The two Officers looked at her and smiled "Of course not. This is time to celebrate!"

They both began to dance around singing "The Witch is dead, the wicked witch is dead......" They sand and sang and danced faster and faster. They spun out of control flying in opposite directions. One of them crashed into a large urn in the corner of the room and broke it. Out spilled official looking documents. As they read they discovered that Janni was truly the Princess of the Pumpkin Chassis Land. Angel had robbed the palace when Janni was young and kidnapped her to control the shipment of all the pumpkin chassis.

"Hail Princess Janni, Ruler of the Pumpkin Chassis Land. We all adore you!!!" The crowds shouted the next day when it was announced that Horrible Helga was dead and Janni was their rightful ruler.

This was the beginning of a new era. Janni proclaimed that from now on the pumpkin chassis would be shipped by the drivers formally employed by Angel, (otherwise known as Horrible Helga). From then on they were paid good wages, allowed to see their families more often and never fined for their misfortunes again. Everyone lived happily until the next horrific, cold hearted, witch decided to take on the all powerful Princess Janni. This time she would take care of the menace before any ads could be place.